Random Facts about the Czech Republic, Volume Two

--You can buy a roll of toilet paper for about a nickel.

--You can buy a pack of Kleenex for about a penny.

--Toilet paper and Kleenex have the same texture as paper towels.

--Road signs with a directional arrow for highways often indicate that motorists can get to the major cities to the East, West, North, and South by taking the next exit. I have yet to be on one of these magical highways, but look forward to their splendor.

--In the elegant words of Jeff, a veteran teacher: “Say goodbye to shitting solid for a year, boys, cause it ain’t happening.”

--I’ve got nothing against old folks, but hot damn if they aren’t out in force here! Even on a 6 A.M. bus there’ll be a seventy-year-old woman struggling with her cane to get up and down the steps. They love to go out and sit in the parks and chat. But the important thing about the elderly in the Czech Republic is that they are EVERYWHERE—they will soon over take us, they will eradicate the Iranian government, and pigeons, and then roaches. Fear the old Czechs, my friends, who have been battle-tested by Nazis and Soviets and Communists, and give up your seat on the tram lest they turn their feeble wrath on you.

--On the topic, there are an inordinate amount of people on crutches (well, European crutches). And Europe ain’t exactly accommodating to the handicapped—they’ve got to struggle up masses of steps and the like on canes and crutches.

--Czech elections are held on Fridays and Saturdays, which unsurprisingly causes low voter turnout since a lot of Prague leaves for their weekend cottages. They say whenever the weather forecast is good for the weekend then the number of voters plummets.

--Man, I consider myself far from a pervert, but let me say this about Prague: Sisqo must be Czech, because this town is full of thong-the-thong-thong-thongs. You don’t even have to look for them. They protrude from jeans riding low. They are everywhere. I think eventually control of the Czech Republic will come down to old people versus thongs.

--On a related note, PDA. I mean, if two people love each other or attracted to each other, sure, whatever right? But teenage couple fucking go at it here, everywhere—these kids are just mauling each others’ mouths in train stations, on the street, wherever.

--Most everyone in Prague owns a cottage somewhere else in the country, and most every weekend they go out there to pick mushrooms, or pick apples, or just relax.

--The amount of graffiti is just shocking. It’s everywhere, on buildings centuries old, on new buildings, on churches and porno stores. What’s worse, none of this graffiti is well executed—it’s pointless, crudely-crafted tagging. No one seems to care. One of my students, Libor, said that Czechs have been so desensitized to crime, corruption, and bad things happening to them that it’ll take generations before their country is corrected socially. A grim proclamation. Come to think of it, graffiti might eradicate both old people and thongs. Let’s just hope they don’t form a coalition—that might get ugly.

--November is called Listopad. I just wish it was called Launchpad and December was McQuack.